Today is the third part of the story...its about schizophrenia....now I can share with you.
Diary of A.....- Ajita Vishwas
May 1978
Finally the exams over…now I can do what I like. Write stories! But Ma! She has warned me that I have to learn certain things. Going to fish market and buy fish, cook especially the vegetables and the perfect rice! First I did get irritated but now I enjoy doing these things. Especially going to the market. I find some interesting characters of my stories there. And the temple on the way. The priest is amused to find a young girl coming every day. Little does he know that nobody tells me to get up here? Here is the place where I can sit peacefully. Just the other day, I met Sona Masi there, once again. She was telling me how some people wanted to kill her… But strange, Ma doesn’t even know her when I told Ma about her.
Ma is happy that I am learning all the work, following her commands and I am happy that I can weave stories whenever I can…through the day.
***** June 1978
Results out! I passed. Now I would be going to college finally. My father got me admitted to the most reputed college nearby. He would have sent me to Santi Niketan, but he said, after 2 years. I was happy. I was in Arts, where he said I would learn literature.
Mayu also is in the same class. But she has chosen Dance instead of literature. So, that is the only class where we are not together. Else, we are always together. Thick as thieves. She is the only one who listens to my constant blabber.
Wonder why my parents brought only one box of sondesh when our results were announced. Was it for Mayu or for me? Doesn’t matter…
August 1978
The way it was pouring! And the people who were outside my house. Shouting. Trying to break in…I tried to wake up Mayu, but she was not there! I heard her voice outside…She was calling me, but I couldn’t get up! There was no strength in my legs! I screamed. Mother rushed. Dada rushed and so did Papa! When I told them, they all just shook their head and said that it was a bad dream and that I should sleep. Mother said the sounds of the stormy rain were playing with my mind. And Dada! He as usual said, “hey, dreamer, dream about us winning a lottery. May that be true.” I was in tears. Nobody listened to me. Not even Papa! He just stood there with his hand on my head, trying to give me some courage. But all he said was “sleep off, beta. Nothing will happen to you.” Me?! Is everybody in the house crazy?! Don’t they understand that it is Mayu and not me that they should be worried about!
*****
What has gotten into this girl? Just last week also she was talking about some Ihita di that sings beautifully, is very rich and she meets her near the pond...and last month about one Sona Masi. I will have to find out....first let me calm her down...
*****
Sept 1978
It was pouring again. I didn’t know why there was our neighbour- Jagdish da had come to my school to take me home. I wondered if anything was wrong with Mayu...but she was here! With me. Had those people whom I had seen last month come again? Had they harmed anyone? These were the thoughts that had raced through my mind, then. Only to realise, upon reaching home, that it was Papa! There he was lying! Just motionless. And all the women crying, a cacophony it was! Every woman was crying, screaming...my mother too! I knew. It was over for Papa. He had gone. Just like that. He had left me alone. I overheard Naren da telling somebody it was a stroke...some tension....All I remember was collapsing near him, clutching him, with my hand around his waist like I used to sleep till I was 10...I don’t remember who separated me and nothing after wards. I have no other memory of that fateful day.
Oct 1978. Ma has become silent. So has everybody else. Me too. I and Mayu walk for miles without a single word spoken nowadays. There is nothing to speak. Only worries. Each has a different worry. Ma worries about how to manage. Dada has to wonder about how many dreams have to be compromised upon to run the house and nobody knows how to react and deal with this. Dada doesn’t pester me now. I miss it. So much difference due to one’s absence in everybody’s life! No father. No talks. No smiles. No fun. No Durga puja.
December 1978.
We are all getting used to father not being there. Only Ma is worried about everybody. Naren da has started earning and so has Shashi da. Naren da concentrates on the paper work to be completed after father. The other two have become more serious and continue to study. I have started talking again a lot to Mayu. We have become inseparable. I hear people talking near our house. They are talking about our property. Mother is also talking the same things to Naren and Shashi da.. I only talk about these things to Mayu...why to worry others?
Feb 1979.
As I and Mayu were walking along the pond, I heard footsteps behind me. There was a man and two women. They started talking and soon started running towards us. Specially, the woman in red saree. She was constantly looking at me. I was just unable to see their faces clearly. They were so familiar...but unclear. We wanted to run but for a long time remained fixated. When the man came closer and the other woman who was dressed in a white saree –very short but fiery eyes...she said, “Let’s take them away from these girls...” I screamed and started running. I didn’t know where to run, which path to take! And this was the path that we walked every day, the pond behind our cluster of houses. I was running and screaming. And there he was. Took my hand and stopped me. Diptimaan da! How safe I felt!
He took us home...I was still screaming but Mayu had disappeared. When Ma calmed me and Dipti da, they asked me to describe the people. But I couldn’t clearly. Naren da and Shashi da, got worried and called the police. The daroga interrogated. I was only able to describe the talk that I had overheard, but not in details their appearance. The daroga left saying that let the girl calm down a bit. All this while, Abhi da was a silent spectator. Later at night, after dinner, again Naren da asked me, ‘try to remember how they appeared. It will help us nab them.’ I just screamed. ‘Why don’t you ask Mayu also? She was also there with me! She also has seen them!’ And there was pin drop silence!
Abhi da came to me and told everyone else to leave me alone. He sat near me. Held my hand. He felt so much like Papa. I started sobbing. He started asking me questions. I answered. All of them. Wonder why he was asking about Mayu. As if he didn’t know! And in all this, where was she? In the kitchen, helping Ma? Or dancing in our room? But I haven’t seen her dance since father has gone....
May 1979
1 year has passed since I finished my 10th! And also so many months since father’s gone. Since last week again I see, people following me. I have also heard of people talking about our property, killing Naren da, coming to take me away....I wonder why I don’t have any memory of me and Mayu together since past 2 -3 months. I was asked by Abhi da and Dipti da about my friends at school. I don’t have many. I don’t need them because I have Mayu! Mayu must have been very quiet in the past few months. I was asking her why has she not danced since many days and she immediately replied ‘so have you not written any story since many days!’ Yes! I had not noticed this. How could I not write? Suddenly I wanted to rush home and write. I promised Mayu that I would make her dance. I told her that there was this Ihita di, who sang beautifully, but I had not met for quite a few days...but if I get to her, I would make her sing and make Mayu dance to her song.
Mother was glad to see me excited to write. But I could sense a bit of worry around her. She gave me my regular banana which I refused first time in last couple of months. I rushed to my room. Came back at dinner time. I was writing a story on a scientist’s life. All of them wanted to listen to my story plot. I told them it was yet not finalised and would soon be. Everybody was happy. Again Ma thrusted the banana in front of me. I gave that typical look. ‘Ma, banana at dinner?’ “Yes. You should. It is good for your health.” “Then it is good for everybody’s health?” “Yes. We all will eat.” “Ask Mayu to eat.” “.......” only stares I got.
June 1979.
I had had troublesome times. Now even Mayu troubles me. She suddenly disappears. And then I am left alone answering the questions. And she doesn’t even come home for the next 2-3 days. And nobody scolds her. Now a days I answer such questions only to Abhi da. Ma irritates me. And on top of that I heard Naren da, Ma and Shashi da talk about my wedding. Even Dipti da agreed. Ma said within a year. Da said yes, better to fulfil one responsibility. Nobody was asking me. Not that I had any problem marrying according to their choice. But I did not like this. I told Abhi da, ‘I do not trust these people. They keep questioning me.’ Abhi da tried to convince me...
Again I picked up the fight with mother over banana. Even Dipti da scolded me for not eating the banana. God knows what this banana mania is there!